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The Interview No One Asked Me For

I stumbled upon a clickbait article titled "Random Questions to Ask A Guy" and it reminded me of those magazine interviews they used to do with bands in the 90's that I'd have my own imaginary answers ready for just in case I ever got interviewed. Being that no one is asking me for interviews and I'm too old to appear in those magazines that no longer exist I thought I might go ahead and use the questions as the basis for this imaginary 90's rock magazine interview:

What was the last thing you created? 

I wrote an Instagram post earlier about my frustrations with my overly shy audience not engaging enough with the content they were consuming. Technically I guess that was the last thing I created. Last week I wrote a song but I can't even remember the title right now.

Who is a better cook your mother or grandmother? 

My grandmother was a marginally better cook. Neither one was/is particularly skilled in the kitchen.

What book do you wish would be turned into a movie? 

"But Say It Politely" by Elizabeth Hawes

Is there an app that you hate but use anyways? 

All of them.

What was the last thing that you fixed? 

Driver's seat sun visor in my car.

Could you survive in the wilderness for a month? 

Probably just barely.

What are some songs you know by heart?

Too many to name. My go-to karaoke songs (depending on the crowd) are "Cheap Thrills" by SIA, "Wake Up" by Hilary Duff, "Hanginaround" by Counting Crows, "Cake By The Ocean" by DNCE, "Pulling Mussels From The Shell" by Squeeze, and "Rhinestone Cowboy" by Glen Campbell. In theory I know the lyrics to those songs better than most others.

What piece of technology brings you the most joy? 

My Roadie tuner which helps me tune a guitar in a few seconds.

If you could rename the street you lived on, what would you rename it? 

I would prefer to live on a numbered street, preferably something with double digits.

What do your clothes say about you? 

95% of my clothes are from Uniqlo so I want them to say "forward thinking and design conscious urbanite who buys his clothes in Tokyo" but they just make me look like a middle aged man pretending to be in my twenties.

What’s your “going to bed” routine? 

I fluff the pillows, drink a chamomile tea, and read jokes from reddit r/jokes to my cat and we laugh ourselves sick until we fall asleep.

What animal best represents your personality? 


What piece of clothing or accessory can someone wear that immediately makes you have a bad opinion of them as a person? 

Anything tie dyed. I'm pretty judgmental about tie dye.

What’s the fullest you’ve ever been? 

I once ate an 8 pound brisket in two days. That was probably the fullest I've ever been.

What behaviors make you think a person is creepy?

That's a hard one to verbalize. The stuff that most people find creepy doesn't bother me so much because I'm quite empathetic to other's inability to normalize their behavior. I would say the really creepy people are the ones who openly tell you about their interest in things that I don't personally understand as being acceptable. Like when someone in their 50's starts telling you about a relationship they are having with someone under 18 in a matter of fact way. Or those people who have a fetish with mass murderers or something like that. I always try to relate to everyone as best I can regardless of their backgrounds or interests but sometimes it just kind of crosses a line where I think "hey this person kind of needs help and it might actually be harmful to me if I'm associating with them."

Who in the movie business seems the most down to earth? 

Bobcat Goldthwait

What’s the funniest or most amazing cell phone cover you have seen? 

I've generally always had plain colors. For a while I was obsessed with people who had leather cell phone holsters that attached to their belt buckle. It seemed perverse on every level.

Which musical artist is greatly overrated? 

Maroon 5. I've tried really hard to understand it. I don't understand it.

What company or franchise do you wish would go out of business? 

There are quite a few of them but that's kind of private.

What’s the perfect temperature to set the thermostat at?

72 degrees

Who around you has the worst luck? 

Depends on the week.

What’s your favorite sounding word?


What’s the weirdest thing that has happened to you in a car? 


If you could fit your whole life into one picture what would it look like? 

"Racing Thoughts" by Jasper Johns

What’s something that can’t be found or bought on the internet? 

A haircut

What should the first colony on another planet be called? 

Space City

If you put out a magazine, what would you name it and what would be in it?

I wouldn't put out a magazine at this point.

If you were challenged to a duel, what weapons would you choose? 

Rubber fists or dildos. Something so ridiculous that we both just laughed and walked away.

What villain do you really feel for? 

Michael Jackson

What is the most interesting thing you could do with 400 pounds of cheddar cheese? 

Melt it.

What did you think you were good at but are actually quite bad at? 

Having fun. I'm great at creating fun, but not always so great at actually having fun.

What in a trailer automatically makes you assume a movie will be horrible? 

An award from an Israeli film festival.

What game do you wish you could act out in real life? 

"Don't Tip The Waiter"

What are you really happy about being terrible at? 

Microsoft Excel

What would be the funniest thing to fill a piƱata with?

Chocolate pudding.

What is the most pleasant sounding name for either a boy or a girl? 


What’s the most nightmarish creature you can imagine? 

People who revel in violence.

If there were internet Olympics, what sports would be in it? 

Presumably there'd be some kind of masturbating to porn competition, something that involved energy drink, some kind of marathon that you ran exclusively by looking at Google Street View.

What is the most interesting game concept you can come up with? 

Art History

If the police raided your house right now, what is the most incriminating thing they would find? 

I have some awful song lyrics crumpled up in the trash, that's about it.

What actor played their character so well that you can’t watch them in any other show or movie without seeing that character? 

Ronald Reagan

What is the most fun thing someone could have in their backyard?


If you had to break one world record in order to receive one million dollars, what world record would you try to break? 

Something passive with mental consequences.

What first world problem do you have? 

Paying rent.

What would be put inside a mental health first aid kit? 

"Muppet Show" DVD, teddy bear, weighted blanket, chamomile tea bag, radio tuned to WQXR.

What conspiracy theory do you actually believe? 

That angry people click more and therefore increase revenue providing incentive for social media publishers to create content that will make people angry.

What looks delicious but tastes terrible? 


What three activities would you rate 10/10 would do again? 

Sex, driving with the windows open and the radio blasting, eating baby back ribs over the kitchen sink.

What song would you pay money to never hear again? 

Cars 4 Kids jingle.

If you had to replace your hands with objects already in your house, what would you replace your hands with?

Salad tongs.


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