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10 Hotels I Would Like To Have Sex In

I woke up to this horoscope :

Monday 22, July
The Sun moves into Leo today, lighting up your house of sex and intimacy for the next month. Explore your desires without holding back, Capricorn. People think of you as one of the more conservative signs, but that's because they haven't experienced your full, unbridled self - let that part of you shine for the next month.

I didn't feel like it was remotely accurate. I'm currently struggling with everything internally after being diagnosed with high blood pressure last week. Food has been the only thing that consistently made me happy the last few years and I've had to drastically change my diet overnight. Additionally I'm still basically living in isolation. I made more of an effort lately to invite people to do things with mixed results. An informal poll on instagram revealed that out of 70 people, only five would date me, and most of those were men (I'm straight). My days have been a mix of depression napping, songwriting, facebooking, working on YouTube projects, trying to make money, and primitively figuring out what I can eat while neurotically checking my blood pressure.

Everything I really wanted to do this summer became unaffordable quickly.

Of note : my horoscope comes from a UK website, so sometimes it's a day or two off, but I still don't feel remotely sexual at the moment of this writing. Like I had oatmeal for breakfast. Is there anything less sexy than oatmeal for breakfast?

Anyway I was sitting on the couch and the title of this post just kind of popped into my head and I thought it was amusing. Then I started to think about it more as an exercise, could I even come up with a list of ten? I did, but it took a few minutes. Maybe someday if I'm ever in a relationship again I can use it as a checklist. Maybe it will give you ideas for your own sex life. I don't know. When I woke up this morning I discovered this weird acne behind my right ear that itches like crazy and makes me feel even worse about myself. Combined with my textbook creepy mannerisms and bulging eyes, the odds of my working my way through this list anytime soon seem slim. Hopefully it does someone some good out there.

(all photos have been stolen from TripAdvisor and I'm using links to their site if you would like more information about the properties)

Hard Rock Hotel & Casino Las Vegas

I've stayed here a couple of times and not all of the rooms are this great but the ones that are kind of have a modern bordello vibe to them. It's almost like a cookie cutter porn set. I have no doubt that if you search amateur porn sites these rooms have probably been filmed in several times a week. I can't say that I've ever even had sex with anyone who would have been comfortable with this much light being on in the room at the time. I'm somewhat confused by the bed frame but I suppose that would just add to the excitement.

Westfields Marriott

It's sort of like a knock-off of the White House. I've stayed here twice, ten years apart. The rooms aren't anything special, but there's something about the level of faux-grandiosity that makes you feel like a million bucks. The common areas are kind of dark at night, it's surrounded by fake forest, and it's very quiet. I vividly remember being extremely horny both times I stayed here.

The Beverly Hills Hotel

I've been on the property a few times but I've never stayed here. It's a controversial hotel where lots of famous people have had sex with lots of other famous people. When you walk through the bungalows you can't help but want to have sex in one of them. I think it's because they have that perfect Los Angeles combination of extreme privacy in close proximity to public areas.

YoTel New York

This is a borderline capsule hotel in a weird location. I've stayed here a few times. They try to keep a very early-2000s sexy vibe in the music and atmosphere, which I suppose makes me feel like I'm back in my 20s. Colored lights of any kind get me excited. The rooms are really small which adds to the feeling of intimacy. Panoramic views apparently turn me on as well.

Le Grand Hotel Bordeaux

I've never been hornier in my life than I was in Bordeaux. I was also flat broke when I was there. This entry comes from a combination of those two memories. When I walked past this hotel for the first time I stood on the sidewalk and said to myself "I want to have sex there someday."

The Pierre

If there's any hotel on this list that I've been obsessed with forever it's this one. It's kind of fucked up to say but I feel like I've never been with anyone who was deserving enough of the price tag that comes with this room. Like it would have just been wasted on them. I've never stayed here, but with the right person I would. It's the most expensive hotel on the list.

Hotel Martinez

When I stayed in Cannes I was really broke and stayed a couple of blocks from the beach in a budget motel. I walked into the Hotel Martinez and knew immediately I would come back some day with the right person. It's a classic Cannes hotel. I can't say that the rooms themselves are anything special from the photographs but just walking in the lobby makes you want to get drunk and have unprotected sex accidentally on purpose.

The Ahwahnee

This is as close as I ever want to get to camping in my life. This is as close as I ever want to get to doing it in a tent. Something about being so far removed from my surroundings makes me crave sex for some reason. Also when you're in the middle of nowhere and there's "nothing else to do". The rooms themselves don't seem sexy but I feel like this place would fire up my libido once I was actually there.

Taco Bell Hotel

This one is sort of a wild card (and to be fair is interchangeable with the Hooters Hotel in Las Vegas). It's so cheap, so gaudy, so clearly looks like the dorm room I never had, I don't even know how to describe what this potential fetish would even be called. I wouldn't even want to sleep here because it's probably so shitty and gross. Like we could just check in, do it, take showers, and then go stay somewhere nice down the street.

Delano South Beach

I'm extremely sensitive to sound. If I find someone attractive and they have an ugly voice I am immediately turned off. Sometimes someone who is not traditionally attractive I find very attractive if they have an attractive voice. Sound is really important to me. It makes me act crazy sometimes. If I'm in a situation where there's an unpleasant sound I have to leave. Hotels like the Delano are really attractive to me because they have a combination of the ocean waves, usually low-toned droning house music in the lobby, and a certain clicking sound that the floors make when you walk on them, the carpets make a certain sound too when you walk on them. All of this contributes to making me feel a great degree of pleasure just being on the property. All of my senses are elevated in a place like this. I would like to have sex here (preferably with a Taurus, Scorpio, Virgo, or Pisces).


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